Recently several clients have come to coaching sessions with some version of control on their minds.
Controlling others. Controlling circumstances. Controlling outcomes.
Now, they don’t always use the word “control” when describing what’s going on. Perhaps they say:
- I really want what’s best for him. And so he should do x, y, or z.
- It’s just better when we budget our finances this way; otherwise I get anxious.
- It’s hard for me not to worry about what’s going on with her.
- I get so angry with my mother-in-law when’s she critical of my parenting.
Notice the word control wasn’t mentioned. But that is what’s going on here.
So I want to talk about control from a couple different angles or perspectives, but I’m going to cut to the chase right up front.
The only control that Law of Attraction is interested in you having is control of your own vibration.
Any other type of control is really misguided when it comes to your point of attraction. Trying to control others. Wanting to control outcomes. Thinking you need to try to control external circumstances.
Any of that—all of that—compromises your point of attraction.
Now, some of us don’t call what we are doing as “control” or “controlling”. But here’s perhaps a new way to think about it:
- If how you feel depends on someone doing x, y, or z, that’s control.
- If how you feel depends on someone behaving in a certain way, that’s control.
- If how you feel depends on someone else getting their life together in the way you think is best, that’s control.
- If you how you feel depends on someone taking your advice, that’s control.
In other words, if your alignment is dependent on the degree to which you can influence or persuade or convince or cajole your way, that is a sign of control.
But not the kind Law of Attraction wants you to be good at.
“We are not wanting you to seek control over your environment at all. We want you to seek control over your vibration and Law of Attraction will take care of the environment.” —Abraham
Your environment includes the people in it.
You may have the best intentions—you want only good for you son or daughter, your best friend, your siblings. You don’t want them to struggle or make what you consider to be bad choices. You believe they would be better off if they followed your advice.
This can be such a sticky, tricky situation because you really do have their best interests at heart. You want good things for them.
But again, when your own alignment gets wrapped up in others—what they are doing, what they are not doing—then you compromise your own point of attraction. You lower your vibration.
While you can want good things for others, it’s not up to you to know what’s right for someone else.
Here’s an example: You are so worried about your son making poor choices. You love your son. You want him to make different choices. You are feeling worry about your son.
This means: Worry is the vibration you are offering to which Law of Attraction responds.
By wanting to control what’s going on in someone else’s life—even with the best intentions, you have lost control over your own vibration.
“Don’t get too wrapped up in trying to control outcomes for others. Be unconditional in your flowing of pure positive energy, and allow them to receive it and respond to it and utilize it in whatever way they choose… Because trying to control the conditions of others is the thing that keeps you from unconditional love more than all other things put together.” —Abraham
Are you trying to control the conditions of others?
Instead, flow pure positive energy. Instead of trying to control conditions, feel unconditional love.
Love is the highest vibration. Feel love, flow love, without conditions. Including the choices someone else makes on their own journey.
“You cannot control anything except the way you feel. Trying to limit anybody about anything defies the Laws of the Universe. It cannot be done. You cannot control others, but you can control, and create, your own reality.” —Abraham
You might not have thought of it this way: But even wanting what’s best for someone—and thinking you know what that is and they don’t—is trying to limit that person. I know you don’t intend it that way, but that’s what is going on.
You do not know what’s best for others. I do not know what’s best for others.
Everyone is on their own journey. And it’s not for you to limit them. It’s not for me to try to limit them with my playbook for how they should live.
So that’s the control that comes from a good heart, the best of intentions, of thinking you know what’s best.
There’s a different flavor of control that also seems pervasive.
This one is less about thinking you know what’s best for others and having their best interest at heart, and it’s more about simply wanting things to be the way you want them to be.
Needing others to accommodate you.
- Needing others to do this, so you can feel good.
- Needing others not to do that, so you can feel good.
This attempt at control can show up in many different ways. It can be really explicit as in my saying to you, Do this because that’s the way I want it to be done—or else I will feel bad, perhaps mad or sad.
Or it can be somewhat more subtle. I confess before my obsession with Law of Attraction, I would pout and sulk when I didn’t get my way. It’s true. Because often pouting and sulking would eventually mean I would get my way.
There are so many disadvantages vibrationally to this behavior, and there is also a somewhat hidden downside And it’s this: Attempting to control others attracts more to be controlled.
‘It is easy to understand how you would come to the conclusion that your path to feeling good is through influencing or controlling the behavior of others. But as you attempt to control them (through influence or coercion), you discover that not only can you not contain them – but your attention to them brings more like them into your experience. You simply cannot get to where you want to be by controlling or eliminating the unwanted.” —Abraham
Like attracts like.
If you are living in the energy of control, that’s what you attract more of.
- More situations that you need to control.
- More people that you need to control.
- More conditions and circumstances in your life experience to be controlled.
“The thing that most people do not understand, is that you get to control the way you feel, because you get to choose the thoughts you think. Most people think that they only have the option of responding to the circumstances that surround them. And that’s what makes them attempt the impossible, which is to control the circumstances around them, which only feeds their feeling of frustration and vulnerability because it doesn’t take very much life experience to discover you can’t control all of those circumstances.” —Abraham
I shared a couple common ways control shows up for many of us.
The first is: Trying to control others because we think we know what’s best for them or we want what’s best for them. You can wrap it up in pretty I just care so much about this person language, but the bottom line is this is control.
The opportunity here is to shift from you showing up in the world that way. Stop giving advice. Stop thinking you know what’s best for others. Stop making whether you feel good dependent on how others are doing or what they are doing.
The second common way control shows up for some of us is simply wanting to have things our way.
This is where we should vacation; this is how people should drive; this is how you should vote; this is how to dress; this is the way I want you to clean the bathroom, this is way to spend your money; this is the way to be the kind of co-worker where I can be happy…and on and on.
This type of control is always two-fold in that I want it my way and I am not going to feel good if it’s not my way. It’s a classic version of depending on external circumstances to feel good. On making your alignment depending on x, y, or z.
“You cannot control circumstances. You never intended to control circumstances… You intended to discover a way to feel good, no matter what, because you have the facility; you have the power; you have the ability to focus.” —Abraham
All this is to say, there is a very simple two-part takeaway:
- You cannot control anything except the way you feel.
- You can control your vibration.
“And when you control your vibration, you’ve controlled everything that has anything to do with you.” —Abraham