Recently I’ve noticed a specific kind of friction in the vibration of a few of my clients. The friction is coming from a belief that someone in their lives needs to do things differently.
Here’s an example: One client thinks co-creating with her spouse would be so much easier if he would shift away from thoughts of lack. She believes her spouse needs to think and behave differently in relation to abundance. When he changes his outlook and behavior, she will feel more positive and optimistic.
Another client believes her sister would be better off if she were to downsize and sell her large house. My client believes the house and overhead are the source of her sister’s overwhelm and stress. She is certain selling is what makes sense and that her her sister would feel better if she would only listen to and follow her advice.
In both examples, my clients believe the way they can feel better is through a change in the behavior of someone else. And this is leading to the friction of control in their vibrations.
“It is easy to understand how you would come to the conclusion that your path to feeling good is through influencing or controlling the behavior of others. But as you attempt to control them (through influence or coercion), you discover that not only can you not contain them—but your attention to them brings more like them into your experience. You simply cannot get to where you want to be by controlling or eliminating the unwanted.” —Abraham
Have you been acting as if the path to feeling good is through influencing others? Through controlling the behavior of others?
Most of us probably want to say, No, no! I’m not a controlling person. I don’t coerce others!
And yet when we really reflect on these concepts of influence and control—and even coercion—some of us realize that is absolutely part of our vibration.
Here are two ways control often shows up.
- I know what’s best for someone.
- Someone needs to behave differently.
I know what’s best for someone can be insidious because on the surface it can seem like a good thing.
You might say:
- I want what’s best for her. She should leave her husband.
- I just want what’s best for him, and he needs to stand up to his boss.
Notice the difference between thinking you know what’s best for someone versus knowing and trusting they are on their own journey. You might think you have their best interests at heart in both cases, but these are very different vibrationally.
Let’s be clear: When you think I know what’s best for her, the subtext is and she doesn’t. I know what’s best for him, but he doesn’t.
When you think you know what’s best for someone else, it’s disempowering.
It’s co-opting their life experience and trying to shape it within the context of your life experience.
When you think you know what’s best for someone else, it’s anti-freedom for that person. It’s also anti-freedom for you because you’re using the fact that they’re not doing what you think is best as a reason to be out of alignment.
On the other hand, having someone’s best interests at heart and knowing they are on their own journey is empowering. It’s loving. It’s freedom.
When you truly want what’s best for someone else, that means you see that person as resourceful and whole. You see that person as you know they want to be. When you truly want what’s best for someone else, what if you were to simply send them love?
There is so much freedom to be found—and such an elevation of your own vibration—when you truly embrace that you do not know what’s best for others. When you attend to your side of the street and choose to put your attention on the only thing you truly have control over, which is the thoughts you choose to think.
Instead of thinking you know what’s best for someone else, what if you were to truly embrace that you are the thinker of your thoughts, which create your reality—and the other person is the thinker of her thoughts, creating her reality?
Moving on to the second way the energy of control often shows up, and that is by thinking, They need to behave differently. And the subtext here is so I can feel good.
As in, He needs to behave differently so I can feel good.
This is a non-starter because circumstances are neutral. All of them. This includes every person in your life. Every person is a neutral circumstance, and by extension their behavior is a neutral circumstance.
What this means, through the lens of Law of attraction, is it is your thoughts about their behavior that cause you to feel negative emotion. In other words, it is not their behavior in and of itself, it is your thoughts about their behavior.
Here’s an example. One of my clients shared that it is so frustrating when her husband balks at spending money on their house renovation.
What she really means is: My thoughts about my husband’s preference not to spend the money is causing me to feel frustrated. In short: My thoughts are causing me to feel frustrated.
Bottom line: Her husband’s behavior, her husband’s preference, her husband’s relationship with money—all are neutral circumstances.
Some of us want to have it both ways.
Yes, on the hand you believe in LoA and understand that circumstances are neutral, but…—and that but is the signal—but if he would only change his behavior it would be so much easier to feel good.
Sure, of course it would. When everyone around us is showing up in a way that delights us, it’s easy to feel fantastic.
But when someone is showing up in a way that doesn’t delight you, that is an opportunity to elevate your practice of Law of Attraction. That is the moment to truly practice the core LoA concept that circumstances are neutral.
This means you will not use anyone else and what they are doing or not doing as a reason not to feel good. You will not make feeling good contingent upon controlling their behavior.
“True freedom comes to you when you need not one other person to be one other way in order for you to feel good.” —Abraham
Wow. That’s a really mind-expanding statement, isn’t it?
Have you been experiencing this kind of freedom?
Who in your life have you been needing to show up differently in order to feel good? Where have you been depriving yourself this feeling of true freedom by trying to control others—whether because you think you know what’s best for them or because you want them to behave differently so you can feel good?
Both types of control disconnect you from the true freedom that comes when you don’t use others as the excuse for not feeling good.
You always attract more of what you are giving vibrationally.
Consider what you are attracting when you try to control others. Attempting to control others is a vibration that only attracts more to be controlled.
The shift I invite you to make is from controlling others to controlling the vibration you offer, to which Law of Attraction responds.
“You cannot control anything except the way you feel. Trying to limit anybody about anything defies the Laws of the Universe. It cannot be done. You cannot control others, but you can control, and create, your own reality.” —Abraham
So the choice is: Control the way you feel by choosing thoughts that feel good or attempting to control others.
The latter might seem effective in dribs and drabs, but it’s an illusion. Trying to control externals—people and circumstances—versus controlling internally by choosing your thoughts is a losing proposition.
“By paying attention to the way you feel, and then choosing thoughts that feel the very best, you are managing your own vibration, which means you are controlling your own point of attraction, which means you are creating your own reality. It’s such a wonderful thing to realize that you can create your own reality without sticking your nose in everybody else’s, and that the less attention you give to everybody else’s reality, the purer your vibration is going to be—and the more you are going to be pleased with what comes to you.” —Abraham
There’s the super simple formula so absolutely core to Law of Attraction: Pay attention to the way you feel and choose thoughts that feel good to you. This is the way you create the reality you want. Not by going through life attempting to control others.