You want certain things for those you love, your kids and spouse, your friends and family.
You want them to have certain experiences in life and be spared from others. You want them to have all good things.
You don’t want them to be sad or frustrated, angry or fearful. You want them to be happy.
Well, that all sounds really good…until we look a little closer.
- You want your daughter to attend a certain college because you think it will make it easier for her to get a good job.
- You want your spouse to get along better with his boss because you worry he won’t get promoted.
- You want your sister to spend more time with your parents because you think she’ll have regrets when they’re gone.
- You want your best friend to dump the guy she’s dating because he’s not good enough for her.
All that wanting things to be a certain way for others and wanting them to be a certain way is problematic.
Many of us are spending way too much time and energy trying to think and feel for others.
You want your daughter to think your way about her college choice. You want your husband to feel differently about his boss.
But here’s the thing: You cannot create in someone else’s experience.
You cannot vibrate for anyone else. Which means you cannot offer their vibration to which the Law of Attraction is responding.
“You cannot create in the experience of another because you cannot think their thoughts.” —Abraham
Thoughts create feelings. So if you can’t think for someone else—and you can’t—then you can’t create the feelings to which the Law of Attraction responds.
Trying to think and feel for others takes two different forms.
They’re really two sides of the same coin, but each has a slightly different feel and motivation to it.
The first one is when you think you know best or better than the other person.
- My husband should eat differently and get more exercise.
- My son-in-law needs to stop talking politics at family functions.
- My friend should have better boundaries with her parents.
- My neighbor needs to get over losing her job.
You know what’s best when it comes to the thinking and feeling and actions of others. And what happens when you think you know best?
You dish out unsolicited advice.
You should do it this way. Here’s how you should look at it. Here’s how you need to handle it. Don’t feel that way, feel this way instead.
Even if you don’t actually give voice to your opinions, your internal dialogue is a steady stream of advice about what the other person should be thinking, feeling, and doing.
The bubble over your head is:
- She needs to think about going to college this way.
- He should feel this way about the job offer.
- She should end the relationship.
Now, I’m not painting a very nice picture of this way of showing up in the world. And that’s because it’s not very nice.
It’s controlling and it is disempowering.
It’s putting our nose where it does not belong.
Now you may be saying, But, Jennifer, I’m not being controlling. I just care so much. I’m not putting my nose where it doesn’t belong. I’m just concerned.
Which brings me to the second type of trying to think and feel for others. This one sounds a little softer, perhaps.
This type is a little less I-know-best and a little more I-really-want-what’s-best-for-you.
This might sound like:
- My best friend really needs to watch Marie Kondo’s Tidying Up. It will get her motivated about decluttering her house. She just needs to start getting rid of stuff and she’ll feel so much better.
- My daughter is so exhausted from trying to do all the household chores and caring for the kids. She really should sit her husband down and insist he help out more around the house.
You want your friend to feel better. You want your daughter to lighten her load. That’s being caring rather than controlling, right? Maybe, but neither one is minding your own business.
Whether you’re trying to think and feel for others because you are opinionated and controlling or because you care so much—either way is problematic.
These are just two versions of trying to think and feel for others.
“We want you to care so much about your own balancing of energy, so much so that we want you to leave everyone else out of the equation. And that’s one of the reasons that we think it is really a good idea to get your nose out of everyone else’s business. And you put your nose in your business and your only business is your alignment of energy.” —Abraham
Abraham’s quote begs the question: Are you minding your own business? Or are you minding the business of others by dishing out advice about what they should be thinking, feeling, and doing?
To some degree I think we all stick our nose where it doesn’t belong.
But many of us don’t even realize all the unsolicited advice we’re dishing out. It’s like breathing; it’s just so normal.
I’ll admit: Once I started paying attention, I noticed how often my nose was in the business of others. My sister should feel differently. My friend should think differently. My brother should act differently.
Giving unsolicited advice bumps up against the very nature of how we each create our own reality.
Your reality is not created by me telling you what to think and feel. No, your reality is created by your own thoughts that create your own feelings. Nothing more or less.
We disempower others when we try to think and feel for them.
And the simple truth is, we can’t.
- Only your best friend can create her reality.
- Only your husband can create his reality.
- Only your daughter can create her reality.
And, of course, only you can create your reality.
Let’s remember why that is: A person’s point of attraction reflects the combination of their thoughts and feelings. Not yours.
You cannot think another person’s thoughts. And you can’t feel their feelings.
Which means you cannot create in the experience of another. Their point of attraction is their point of attraction.
Even when you really do have the other person’s best interests at heart, everyone is on their own journey. You may think you know best and be well-intentioned, but people don’t really want advice.
Let’s say you tell your depressed friend to cheer up and look on the bright side. You tell her all the reasons to think about her situation differently. You share thoughts of positivity.
Sure, you can tell your friend what you think, but that doesn’t mean those are her thoughts.
In fact, when you tell your friend all the reasons to be positive, those statements of positivity may make her feel worse, not better.
“If you want to be of greatest value to others, see them as you know they want to be. That is the influence that you want to offer.” —Abraham
I also want you to consider what kind of reality you’re creating for yourself when you aren’t minding your own business.
Trying to think and feel for others introduces resistance in your own vibration.
This is something I work on with clients. Often there is significant friction in their vibration because they are minding the business of others. To manifest what they want requires cleaning up their vibration—and that can only happen with a shift in focus.
That can only happen when you start minding your own business and stop trying to think and feel for others.
“You cannot look at that which you do not want and not join and perpetuate that vibration. Take your attention from that which is not in harmony with who you are, and in taking your attention from it, your “now vibration” will adjust to who you really are, and then you can uplift others.” —Abraham
When you are full of stories in your own head about how this person needs to be thinking differently, feeling differently, and doing differently, you are looking at that which you do not want and joining in and perpetuating that vibration.
That is what’s happening each and every time you don’t mind your own business.
“There’s only one way of helping others. You have to feel good yourself and see others as they want to be.” —Abraham
My clients are a whole lot happier and life gets a whole lot easier when they start minding their own business—and make their primary business that of aligning their own energy.
Trying to think and feel for others simply doesn’t work because you can’t vibrate for anyone else.
You can’t think for others. You can’t feel their feelings for them.
They are creating their reality. You are creating yours.
So first and foremost, mind your own business.
“All of you would live happily ever after…if you would just mind your own business.” —Abraham
Second, attend to your own vibration.
Your #1 job is to maintain your own alignment. You can’t do that when you’re focusing on others and what you think they should be doing.
“The secret of the Universe really is minding your own business. What we mean by that is: Don’t get so involved in the desires or beliefs of others that you cause confusion or chatter in your own vibration and compromise your own alignment.” —Abraham
So maintain your own equilibrium. Look after your own vibration.
Third, model what’s possible.
“It is not your role to make others happy; it is your role to keep yourself in balance. When you pay attention to how you feel and practice self-empowering thoughts that align with who-you-really-are, you will offer an example of thriving that will be of tremendous value to those who have the benefit of observing you. You cannot get poor enough to help poor people thrive or sick enough to help sick people get well. You only ever uplift from your position of strength and clarity and alignment.” —Abraham
I love that—offer an example of thriving.
Rather than try to think and feel for others, show them balance and creative power. Mind your own business and uplift from your position of clarity and alignment.
Need help with this?
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